


Kava-kava

by alpapaca



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, I apologize for the writing style it feels really cheaterish, I low key gloss over root shenanigans because I never actually got to that part, I'm not sure what to call it bc in my docs is literally just kakashi2, I've actually never posted a fanfic so let's see how terrible this goes, Team 7 genin also kind of not really, and also vaguely inconsistent, full of writing cliches I mean I know I used at least one, genma tries to be a good friend but kakashi just makes it So Hard, kakashi1 bits are chapter 2, mentions of characters dead at the start of canon too if that bothers anyone, mentions of team 7 kids but none of them spoke this time either, or even had an action really kakashi just likes to think about them a lot, there is a wild gai in here too but only in passing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2018-10-01 01:03:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10177061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpapaca/pseuds/alpapaca
Summary: Kakashi wonders distantly if this is what anger feels like.  The deep feeling bubbling in his stomach and his chest takes a bit of effort to push down and he finds himself glad to have spent so long with a book in front of his face. He's not quite sure what his expression would have been if he was forced to make eye contact with the man.





	1. Chapter 1

“Sensei…” He doesn't usually have trouble speaking, yet he finds himself struggling to keep his words from coming out as stutters. “Minato-Sensei said that he…. He wanted to raise us as brothers.”

“Absolutely not,” comes the stern reply.

Kakashi feels something inside himself sinking.

“Jounin sensei are always the legal guardians of orphaned students; if you show you are close to a child with blond hair then every ninja who knows who your teacher was will suspect something. Are you going to put the boy's life at risk for this?”

Kakashi thinks of his father. Thinks of his third birthday, when an unfamiliar man placed his hand around his mouth and around his throat. Thinks of how his father agreed to sign him up for the academy the day after. Thinks of how a blond, blue eyed child might look holding a kunai. Imagines him wide eyed and bloody. Imagines another body, another spy, another three year old. Slowly, he shakes his head.

Sarutobi nods and take a hit from his pipe as he turns only enough to be able to glance out the window. “Good.  If I hear you've even so much as looked at him for too long I'll make sure you're out of village for months.”

He feels something thick and heavy build up behind his eyes and in his throat, but he keeps his eyes open and steady, meeting the hokage’s stare evenly as it turns back onto him. He imagines the thickness is blood and manages to jerk his head into a nod.

  
  
  
  


The blond boy looks about two as Kakashi stares at him, carefully concealed from ground view but still visible to the ANBU he knows is returning to headquarters. Forty five seconds is all it takes before a bird mask obscures his view. The mission is estimated to take about a month. The last one was only three weeks.

He wishes he could hurry to the three month ones, but he knows if he is caught too often the hokage will get suspicious.  A ninja of his caliber wouldn't be caught snooping daily unless they meant to, after all.

  
  
  


“You have a brother.”

The Uchiha blinks at him slowly.

“I do.”

“You're never home.” Kakashi says, and even he isn't sure if the words are meant to be accusing or confused.

He doesn't pull off confusion very well, even when he legitimately feels it, but Uchiha Itachi doesn't seem to pull off any emotion very well. Maybe that's why it is only a few more moments before the boy says “He doesn't stop being my brother just because we don't see each other.”

Kakashi blinks and lets out a noncommittal hum. After another minute of eye contact followed by a murmured “taichou” he is left alone.

 

The words stick with him through the ensuing silence and echo in his head over the coming weeks. It is only eight months and a three month long mission later, as he stares at Uchiha Sasuke lying on a hospital bed, that they finally cease.

After all, he reasons, if they truly hadn't stopped being siblings then Itachi would have killed him or taken the child with him. The Uchiha were always trying to avoid suffering for their loved ones, and if being left alone isn't suffering he doesn't know what is.

He readjusts his ANBU mask and resolves to stop thinking of his teacher. The only things he'll visit now are the memorial stone and the bookstore.  No need for the grocery store--his rations are filled from ANBU reserves more days than not.

  
  


“You were too close to Itachi.”

Kakashi no longer even questions it, just meets the hokage’s eyes expressionlessly.

“You can watch him during ANBU guard duty, nothing else.” the hokage says.

Kakashi doesn't even bother nodding before he leaves with a quick turn and a shunshin. At this point he hadn't even realized he had more left to give up. It's probably better the hokage realized before he did. Now he can remove himself from any upcoming guard duties and not have to worry about any of it.

  
  
  
  
  


He knows at least two of the ANBU that were in the area in the past hour noticed him. As he scratches his cheek through his mask he wonders if he can get away with reporting them for neglect when he finally gets brought in. Maybe if he passes it off as a sassy remark or in a joke about how superior he is?

He hums as he flips a page in the book he is pretending to read as he pretends to sneak glances at the child he pretends doesn't exist. It's quite hard work, really. With a sigh he resolves to go bump into the Uchiha brat at a weapons stall instead. If he asks him a question or two it'll probably get noticed by someone who will actually care.

  
  
  


Kakashi wonders distantly if this is what anger feels like.  The deep feeling bubbling in his stomach and his chest takes a bit of effort to push down and he finds himself glad to have spent so long with a book in front of his face. He's not quite sure what his expression would have been if he was forced to make eye contact with the man he chose over Danzo. He's never regretted turning back to the hokage before, but in this moment he thinks he could almost find it in him to damn the village in order to watch the man die.

It reminds him a little of how he felt with Obito. He had thought at the time that that feeling was anger, but it pales in comparison to this.

He accepts the files with one hand and tucks them away, eyes never leaving his book, and saunters back to his spot.  It is only a few more minutes before the meeting wraps up and Asuma appears at his side.

“Well if I didn't already know you were one of his favourites I definitely would now.”

A raised eyebrow is his response.

“Oh come on, you finally get to spend time with that kid you've been watching for years. Don't even try to tell me you're not happy about it.”

This garners Asuma eye contact and a dubious expression. Then again, the father has never been very good at understanding his motivations so he supposes it is little wonder that the son is the same.

“If you are talking about the Uchiha, I've only been keeping an eye on him because I figured I'd be asked to teach him at some point,” he allows.  Asuma stops seeming bitter and starts looking a little bit dumbfounded, a little bit exasperated. Before he can prod any further, an exuberant shout and a green blur give Kakashi the excuse he needs to leave. He takes it without even breathing.

  
  


He stares at the memorial stone, resolutely focusing on only two names.  He doesn't know any others, doesn't care about any others. The only names he knows are those two. He lost nothing in the Kyuubi attack. He had nothing before the Kyuubi attack. He has had nothing since these two names were placed on this stone by his own actions, his own hand.

 

He spends a few hours convincing himself of this.

  
  


He opens the door and lets the eraser fall on his head in order to ground himself in this moment.

The only Uchiha he’s ever known was the one placed on his genin team.  He's never known an Uzumaki before this one. The look in the eyes of the pink haired brat reminds him of no one.

Despite his best efforts something in him starts screaming as his gaze drifts over black eyes and blond hair. _Too familiar, too familiar, too similar._

 

He feels no regret, only a low burning bitter anger as he says

“My first impression is…. I hate you.”

  
He leaves before the children's expressions can make him change his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally got so excited that I had motivation to do something I used to enjoy that I skipped out on a friend for about an hour to bust this out. I figured I might as well post it so I lightly proofread it just now. If you see any mistakes or find an area a hard to read please tell me. I will fix it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one in Konoha has been impressed by him in more than an absent minded “there definitely exists skill somewhere past everything else or he'd be dead” sort of way in many years. It might be weird to start it up again, even if it only lasts as long as it takes the genin to remember how much they hate him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got another huge chunk of drabbles now so I figured I might as well add them.
> 
> Out of chronological order, and since some were originally cut from what is now the first chapter there is definitely some overlap.
> 
> Hopefully I got all the major kinks out of here but if anything reads too funny lmk

“Are you sure, Kakashi? Minato only put you in Anbu as a temporary learning experience.”

 

“I thought you didn't care what Minato-sensei wanted.” The words are out of his mouth before he could stop them.

 

He decides he has no right to regret them.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It's a lot easier to be the upstanding shinobi when your face isn't hiding behind a mask. A lot easier to do uneasily sanctioned missions when the mask hides everything.

 

Kakashi absently wonders what the means for him but then shoves the idea out of his mind along with all the reasons he has for not doing this. They don't matter anyway.  Nothing has mattered since Rin died.  Since Obito died.  Since he left his home, still stained with blood.  Reasoning and blood ties have little to do with ninja life past using them to figure the best way to draw out a target.  Orders are all that matter when on a mission, it is orders that keep comrades alive.

 

But….. Orders killed Obito, killed Rin.  Orders caused a newborn to be the only accessible container for a beast with more power than should ever be sealed inside a human skin.

 

If that’s the case, then some orders are more important than others.  Some morals might be better held on to than lost completely.

 

Kakashi realizes that his reasons can’t be shoved away so completely.    
  


He would rather follow in his father's footsteps, in Obito’s footsteps. He would rather die to keep his comrades alive, would rather kill to keep his village safe.  Sarutobi was a fool, but he wasn't sure Danzo was keeping his comrade's lives in high regard.  He could die trying to kill one, or just leave them both be.  If the Hokage did not care about his friend’s actions, then he wouldn’t either.

 

He’d hold onto his masks.  Both of them.  But he would not accept a third.

  
  
  
  
  
  


His stomach is trying to twist itself into nothingness as he stares out of the water bars of his prison. It leaves more room for his lungs to expand as he commands his genin to leave.

 

He'd much rather die before they do.  He has enough to mourn, and the hokage would be furious at the loss of such important tools.  He'd never be able to force himself out of the village by pretending to stare at children, either. All in all, it's a rather good thing he's the one that will die first.  If they're lucky the missing nin might decide they're too much trouble and leave them alone in order to take his bounty in. 

  
  
  
  
  


Kakashi lets his gaze settle on the on the two children trying to walk on trees.

 

_ “Jounin sensei are always the legal guardians of orphaned students…” _

 

The thought enters his mind, but he quickly shoves it back out.

  
  
  
  
  


It's funny how in trying to escape his father's name he runs right into Obito’s.  Funny in the way he's decided his entire life is funny.  He'd laugh if it weren't for how exceedingly rare it was for him to do so.  Instead he just sweeps his eye over the bingo book entry Genma is showing him and lets out a hum.

 

“I was hoping I'd get something sexier but I guess this'll do.”

 

The teenager promptly sags, cheeks slightly pink as he looks just a touch forlornly at the hardwood. Kakashi blinks and carefully maintains his vaguely interested demeanor. Genma knows him well enough to know he's faking it.  He also knows him well enough, and has spent enough time with T&I, to know that nothing he does is going to get him to be honest. Instead of trying he just sighs and flops the book closed, tossing himself onto what little space was left on the couch past Kakashi’s raised feet.

 

“Sexier, huh? Is that gonna be your new thing, then? Chasing tail?” Genma jokes, and Kakashi appreciates the pun even if he doesn't show it.  He pauses at that, though, mind quickly running through a few scenarios. Distantly he notes the stiffening of his couch-mate and looks up into a gaze that is quickly growing apprehensive.

 

“Maa maa,” he says just as Gemma starts to open his mouth. “You know I don't like people enough for that.”

 

In order to illustrate his point he lets his eye crinkle into a smile as he promptly shoves his weight into the back of the couch so hard it tips over, spilling the unprepared chuunin onto the floor even as Kakashi himself rolls neatly upright again and saunters into his kitchen.

  
  


Three days later, when he passes by Genma after coming out of the bookstore with his newest purchase, he ignores the facepalm and the mutters about “what will I tell the Fourth when I die” with equal amounts loathing and glee.

 

He seemed to be feeling that combination a lot recently.

  
  
  
  
  


He notices the double vision one day while training alone.  An outside view of himself, shimmering like a mirage in his borrowed eye.  Bits and pieces tearing in and out as he pauses.   
  
The view immediately disappears and though he continues training it does not appear again.

 

It nibbles at a corner of his mind, and he feels like it has happened once before.

 

As he tries to remember when it was, he only gets flashes of Rin.  Of enemy nin, killed by his hand.  Of enemy nin killed by….. He can’t quite figure what it is that they are killed by.   He remembers it of course, remembers tearing their bodies.  In his memories it isn’t chidori, but it  _ has _ to be.  He remembers killing them, the view of their last breaths.  Perfect clarity despite the passing of time courtesy of his gifted eye. 

 

Yet done of it was blurred, obviously wrong. Something bad to have been wrong, there had to have been a genjutsu or hallucination in play because some of the things he thinks he remembers are impossible.  He couldn't have done them. He was the only one there.   
  
He grudgingly lets go of the ideas struggling in his head, blames it on the stress of the situation.  There was nothing else it could be.

  
  
  
  
  


When he notices the puddles he entertains the idea of impressing his cute little genin by exposing and capturing whoever lies in wait, but then dismisses the idea.  No one in Konoha has been impressed by him in more than an absent minded “there definitely exists skill somewhere past everything else or he'd be dead” sort of way in many years. It might be weird to start it up again, even if it only lasts as long as it takes the genin to remember how much they hate him.

 

He needs to know how they will react when in danger, and anyone who thinks that using a puddle to hide in a day like this is a smart idea probably won't be very hard for him to handle.  Putting the children into momentary danger it is, then.

 

A tendril of self loathing worms it's way free of the bundle of emotion he usually keeps tied up inside himself.  After a moment of guilt he proceeds to ignore it as easily as he ignores the Hokage Monument. That is to say, he makes a valiant effort but sometimes things just really aren't possible one hundred percent of the time.

 

He decides that this ought to be one of the times he ignores the fact that ignoring something isn't actually making it go away and prepares to let a good quick fight take his mind of things.  Like the fact that he's not any better than the adults in charge of things when he was a kid. Yes, definitely not that.

  
  
  
  
  


He wakes up, a few months later, and it is to the stunning realization that despite himself he started caring.

 

Obito’s eye was open and running often enough, for long enough, that he can remember in exact detail the look about Sasuke’s eyes as he was training.  The anger.  The pain.  The fear.

 

Being left alone is suffering.  Being left behind is suffering.  A brother you never see is as good as a brother never existing.  He has failed.  As a brother.  As a sensei.  As a son.

 

Loyalty should garner more loyalty but it does not.  In this moment, neither sentiment nor bitter anger can save him.

 

As he sits up in his bed, the memories of his students continue to run through his mind.  Those under him in Anbu mix with those under him these past few months and all their failings compound themselves into one solid mass of mistakes and misplaced hope.

  
Numb fingers pressed to his aching eye, he is once again left alone.


End file.
